Life Troubles

Published August 18, 2013 by sadistickitten

Its kind of funny how I thought things were pretty depressing & sad just a few weeks ago.  How I thought that us both being w/out jobs was the end of the world and things couldn’t get worse than this. However, I was wrong! 

Why do I say that?!  Not saying that not having a job and worrying about rent, food, etc isn’t stressful but compared to my friend Jaime who’s got cancer its nothing!  I feel SO bad for her.  I’ve never actually met her (I know what you’re thinking), I’ve met her through online places HKJ, fb, etc) but I feel so bad for her.  Its such a horrible thing for a person to go through.  Yet I thought my life was bad, that dealing w/stresses of not having a jobs, Tony being laid off, and worrying about how we’ll pay for rent etc.

But that pales in comparison of how she is doing, what she is dealing w/.  Now that just puts my life into perspective for me.  Just b/c those things suck, doesn’t mean its the end of the world.  I’ve dealt w/cancer from a close one before, my cousin Rhonda when she was 14 yrs old had it.  She got it in her leg, or that’s where they found the lump on her leg.  Its also why when I started working out more intensely I got muscles forming on each other sides of my thighs & at 1st I was worried.  Till I realized that wasn’t fat, it was muscle.  My sis had it growing up and my parents freaked out (it was right after my cousin was diagnosed) so they worried about it (they’re HUGE worriers its where I get it from) til they found out it was nothing.

I didn’t know back then that being around someone who’s got cancer doesn’t mean that you will get cancer, I was like 8 or something at the time & didn’t understand til my parents and aunt plus uncle explained it to me.  Unfortunately, w/my cousin she was afraid to tell her parents about the pain in her left leg till it was too late.  They had to cut off her leg in hopes to get rid of the cancer.

But that didn’t even help her b/c it was too late, she waited too long to tell her parents b/c she was afraid and she ended up dying before the age of 18.  She died a yr later when she was 14 yrs old.  My aunt who later lost her husband (not to cancer he fell at work from a high distance working on a house) is still grieving w/it. I don’t think she will ever get over it either.  She used to be worse, always bringing up my cousin, saying things but now its been at least 30 yrs since that has happened & she’s better now. I’m sure losing a child is very hard. 

I’m not saying this will happen to my friend, she unlike my cousin decided to get it checked out when she wasn’t feeling right or didn’t feel good.  Unlike my cousin, she wasn’t afraid to find out what was wrong w/her fearing the worse.  What I’m saying is that, IF you feel a lump, don’t feel right, etc. get yourself checked out!  If you don’t have insurance or much $ there are programs out there for this reason to help you.  Someone will help you, don’t just let yourself and your family down.  Please!  Be aware of your body & changes.  Early detection is key!

Its just weird b/c whenever cancer is brought up, I can’t help but think about cousin that I never got to know.  A cousin that I will ever get to see again, all b/c I was afraid of her.  Seeing her lose her hair, seeing her leg (1/2 of it cut off), her wearing a wig, having to wear a fake leg so she could walk normal, she hated it.  In fact, my cousin would hate to go out b/c she’d have to wear her leg going out in public, it scratched & hurt her.  Now we’re going back a few decades where I’m sure now things are much nicer to have but back then they were hard plastic & hurt.  Even just thinking about her, makes me tear up.  I wish that got a chance to know her, to really met her a person but all I know of her is a girl who had a lump who later died from it.  Her wigs were omg so horrible to see, now a days they’re much better.  They’re made w/real hair, look better, and are less fake.  I can remember every detail about my cousin that I’ve seen w/her.  Its also why I was never a big fan of going to my aunts’ house b/c I was scared.  I was a little girl and I had to grow up super fast, trying to understand all these adults concepts.  It was really rough, but I’m sure it was much rougher for my aunt & cousins.  My cousin Rhonda was the only girl & the rest were boys, 3 of them.  I think my aunt didn’t like to see me & my sister either b/c we reminded her too much of the daughter she never got to know.  My sis was close to her age & often my aunt would bring up things about “Rhonda would be graduating now w/you” & even on her wedding day my aunt would write “Rhonda would probably be getting married or close to it by now” man that’s gotta be rough to deal w/.

Even though I’m not a huge fan of my sisters’ doesn’t mean I wish that on her!  That’s just wrong & purely mean if you ask me.  I mean saying that you would be doing this along w/a dead relative that’s just beyond me.  I don’t understand why my aunt was like that.  She was pretty sad for awhile and she was pretty bad but now she’s in her 60s like my dad and she’s much better.  Thankfully, she never said that stuff to me b/c I’m much younger than Rhonda would have been.

Cancer also brings up my grandfather.  He later died of prostate cancer in his late 60s, but once again he was like my cousin who didn’t want to go to the doctors b/c he thought if he went it was death.  In his case, he was right!  However, cancer when I was in my late teens was different then when I was 9 yrs old when my cousin died.  Cancer treatment has come a long way since then & before then.  My grandfather didn’t want to tell anyone that he was having issues w/himself and we only noticed he was limping around Thanksgiving but he had the problem for at least a yr if not more.  If he went sooner to the doctors’ my grandfather would be around today.  Once again people, go to the doctors’ when you feel something strange, not normal or if you feel tired all the time for no reason at all.  That might be a sign something is wrong w/you, don’t let it be too late when you go.  Be proactive not reactive!  It was horrible losing my grandfather b/c I was closer to him & I knew him more than my cousin.

My grandfather & I were pretty close, he was always encouraging me to become whatever it is that I wanted to be.  Wanting me to do my art work, keeping up w/my learning disabilities issues & defeating them.  I have done all that & I am striving to get over my LD’s & make a good person out of myself.  I will always miss my grandfather & wish that I had more time w/my cousin. 

But w/Jaime, she’s a fucking fighter!  She’s a wonderful person & unlike my relatives she kick this fucking cancers’ ass & take fucking names!  She’s awesome!  She will get rid of it & she will be even stronger than her.  I know it, she’s not like my family she’s much stronger.  Go Jaime you are awesome & a true friend ❤ love you girlie!


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