So Tony's forum had people talking about LD's (which I write as learning disabilities) and what not. Yes I'm too emotional about this subject to even voice my opinions about it & if I say that I have that I have LD's I'm afraid that people will do what they always do to me treat me “special” or what I like to call stupid or as some freak. Which is what happened to me A LOT in school.
I've read the article that I have posted below. I pretty much have either all or parts of the disabilities above there. I'm sure if you're one of my penpals then you'll understand and realize that I do that stuff where I can't seem to keep certain things in order correctly. I'll post about father's day then I'll talk about the day before or even talk about Thursday then go back to Wednesday. Another reason why I try hard to not do that sort of thing but still it happens.
I often have problems also whenever I interact with other people. I worry that people will notice that I'm slow and they'll laugh at me because of it. I have major problems when I'm playing pool and people can see me. Yes it's all mental but it's hard to change yourself after you've been a certain way for all your life. This is all that you know. Not only that but you also feel intimated by others since they're far better at say pool than I am or even sports.
I realize that I've improved a lot over these past few years but I have way to go before I will ever be as smart as most of the people that I know. Does this make me stupid? No, it just makes me different than you. Do you know how many teachers/professors and advisors I had that actually called me stupid? Too many! I personally think it's wrong to call a child stupid or retarded because of their LD's (or for any reason).
These people odviously didn't know that I heard them because they wouldn't have that but does that make it right for them to say that about me? No, it doesn't. They shouldn't judge me because they're not perfect themselves after all they're going around making fun of others that aren't as brain smarts as they are. Real mature, make fun of someone who has issues with not only themselves but their abilitiy to learn like everyone else.
I was always treated as some retarded fuck who couldn't figure out anything on her own. Even teachers/professors wouldn't help. They thought that they were helping when they were really hurting me instead. I had one fuckin' teacher in HS that actually treated me like I couldn't spell my own name. It was a math teacher and I have MAJOR issues with math and this guy knew it too. Anyhoo, he'd ask me “Jennifer what do you get when you take 2 + 2=?” I wanted to be a smart ass and say 11 or something stupid but I just felt embarrassed beyond belief and said 4. Why is that people especially teachers feel the need to treat kids so very horribly when they clearly know that this kid (aka me) has such issues? It's so disgusting and not what an educator should do.
Not that ANY of my math teachers have been the best teachers in the world either. I had one prick (he used to look down my top & he made me feel VERY uncomfortable as if he was about to rape me at any moment) of a teacher who actually told me in 7th grade that I was and I quote “A retarded bitch whom won't need to learn math because after all, I am a woman.” As if to say, just because I happen to not have a penis I am not worth his time to teach me. Great thanks you really made my math skills soar after that comment. *rolls eyes* So you can tell how well I did in math classes and EVERY time that I had a math problem how much of a fuckin' idiot I felt because I couldn't seem to figure it out correctly.
Now if you're either a pal of mine or you're a long friend of mine hearing this news that I have learning disabilities isn't new to you at all. As I'm sure that I've mentioned it at least once in my introduction letter to you or at least once or twice when you've asked questions. I usually don't make a deal about it (please don't think that's what I'm doing now, because I'm not. I'm only writing this because I can't write about it in Tony's forum for fear of being treated like a loser & further being made fun of because I've had too many people treat me that way throughout my whole life growing up so I won't do that to myself now).
The reason that I don't bring it up often or really that much at all is because of fear that others will not like me anymore or they'll treat me differently. I am not stupid nor do I like being treated as such. I have average or a little bit above (depending on what subject that I am taking because in English I got A & B's most of the time) so I'm not some stupid person who knows nothing. I was babied by a few teachers ONLY because they knew I had issues with spanish or math. Another reason why I will never be able to learn another language. I have enough issues learning english and spelling words correctly or even writing up this entry so I don't see how I can learn another language.
I also don't like it when people pity me and treat me different. I want to be treated like everyone else is and I hate that I have these problems with my brain if I could some how change that aspect about me I would. I'm pretty much ashamed whenever I misread an entry that some of you make and I say the wrong thing in the common then you think of me as some fuckin' idiot. I know that some of you have when I've read something wrong or said something stupid or whatever. I know because I felt that I was being stupid or dumb for not understanding that the person that I read it but after reading a lot of entries over & over my brain just can't function normally so it gets really frustrated and then I have major problems understanding. That's another reason why sometimes I don't comment on your entry becuase I don't understand it. Does that mean that you're smarter than me? Yes it very well maybe true but that doesn't mean that I'm retarded because I fail to understand what you're saying to me, it just means that I need to take a break or read it at another time because frankly my brain has given out on me.
I often get very distracted and on occassion while writing an entry or reading your entries/commenting I often do a few other things because my brain gets bored of the same thing from time to time. I can write letters for awhile but even then it's like my brain gets tired and then I can't think straight. I think it has to do with my brain working harder than most people's do. I don't know, I just know that sometimes I can't concintrate to save my life and I get distracted by whatever. I also feel frustrated when I can't figure out what you're saying so instead of me looking stupid and saying “what did you mean here” I just skip over it. I know that's NOT how I'm going to learn stuff but you just don't understand how it is to have such issues unless you've got all the disabiities that I have which is a lot.
I do believe that I am far smarter than I used to be. I have been working on it with Tony as well as trying to do the brain age 2 (when I remember, stupid forgetfulness) as well as using a dictionary which has really helped me out. Plus I try to play games to help me relax and destress after a long day especially when I've done a lot of reading of your entries.
Well I hope that others have opened their minds about others thinking abilities so next time you see me make a nonsense comment about your entry it's because for whatever reasons I just didn't understand what you're saying or that I can't comprehend your thought processes.
I hope that I haven't made it so others are now going to delete me because they feel that I am some retarded girl who can't understand things because I am not. I can understand things, I've learned a lot and I know that I will NEVER be as smart as Tony or others but that's fine with me. As long as I keep improving and working on myself I'll be fine. So I hope that this opened your eyes about me and I hope that I didn't lose some of you because of this either. I'm not saying that I don't want to read entries or that I don't want to deal with you guys because that's NOT what I'm saying.
I just need to vent and get this out since I can't post this on Tony's forum since I'm afraid people will treat me like some retarded chick or some airhead who doesn't understand how to walk or talk without thinking it.
Well I need to get ready for bed now, take care all. *hugs* ♥