Talked with my dad yesterday, at first it was nice to talk about what's been going on but then it turned into this…
My dad decided discard the letter that we wrote (the one about not wanting to talk, hear, see my sister that we sent) and talked non-stop for a long time about how “perfect” my sister is.
It was the way that he was talking about her made me realize something that really hurt badly, that I will NEVER be their favorite daughter or the daughter that they talk about to other people. When they talk about me, they must be like “yes we have another daughter” but I'm sure they never mention my name or anythigng about me.
It was sickening to me to hear about my sister doing this or that etc. but when I tried to say something about what's been going on he just acted like I wasn't important because I didn't mention my sister's name when I said it or something.
Maybe I caught my dad on a bad day, whatever it was I got to tell you it sucked big time. I just felt so horrible about myself and as if I'm 12 years old again not going on 30. I do realize that I look far younger than I am but I don't live there anymore and haven't in over 5 years now. I don't deserve to be treated like this anymore.
Yes I should've said something in that letter about how they've been treating me but it was appropriate to write about at the same time talking about the situation and all. What drives me further nuts is that every time I feel like I'm getting over it or I'm starting to think that I could possibly forgive my sister (for myself, NOT for her) I get it thrown back in my face again. Do you know how frustrating that is?
It's as if you finally reach for that shiny penny only to realize it's not a penny but some tinfoil on the ground instead in the shape of a penny. Ok not exactly but I hate how my sister's always being thrown into conversations as well as treated like the golden child and me I'm the BIG HUGE disappointment who'll never amount to anything in their eyes.
Hell, I could become a lawyer or finally a massage therapist and they'd be upset because I don't have kids and that I won't talk to my horrible of all horrible people my sister. I could do everything to make them happy but they'd still see me as a child who's having a stupid fight with her big sister.
The thing is, this isn't a fight. After all, to have to a fight it has to go both ways doesn't it!? I mean after all, she won't let herself believe what she did. She's in deep denial about the whole thing as if it never happened and I'm just making up another story to tell my parents when she's the innocent one again.
Oh! If you didn't know this, my sister used to do things around the house or whatever (even to the car, the car that I wasn't even driving because I did NOT have my license yet because of course yes again MY PARENTS wouldn't let me) and blame them on me. Yes, there were times that I'd do things but I think the reason that I got into trouble a lot was because that was THE only time that people noticed me.
When I wasn't getting into trouble and being “perfect” like my sister I was being ignored, treated like dirt so then I'd get myself into trouble and once again, I'd be noticed. No, not noticed in the good ways that people are noticed but at least my dad was taking some care and noticing me as if I was there and not invisible.
Now that I've moved out, my parents still act like I live with them. They want me to call every week *rolls eyes* they want me to see them every week (no thank you), they want me to be around as if I was living there but I'm sorry but I don't want to see them all the damn time. Why do I want to see people that clearly don't want to see me.
I'm starting to realize how my sister got to be the way that she is. It's from my parents and I thought that it was just because of my mom but no it's also my dad. I thank GOD that I'm nothing like them!! I'm generous to the point of getting used (but I'm trying to fix that about me, I really am. I am doing better however), nice when nice is too sugary sweet, and I like whom I am. Am I saying that I don't have bad days? Nope not what I'm saying because I sure do. I have my bad days and today just happens to be one of those days (of course my allergies don't help *sigh*).
I didn't say all this stuff to Tony but I tell him about how my dad mentioned my sister and went on and on about her. I was told by my friend Anette that I should've hung the phone up on my dad when he brought up my sister but I was feeling like shit listening to him get all excited as if I wasn't his daughter but his friend.
It's great that my dad can talk to me like that, as if I am his friend but I don't need anymore friends I need a DAD who's going to back me up and respect my wishes but sadly enough, that's not going to happen with my family.
Appreciate Tony being so great with backing me up about the whole thing, I need that support but I don't want to lose my parents over something that isn't about them. It's about someone else and they need to keep their fuckin' noses out of it. I don't want to lose my parents because god for bid, somethign happens with Tony & I who will I have left to go to if my parents “disown me” over this whole shit? That's right, I'll be alone and no one will love me.
Not saying that I like my parents so much that I want to get together with them all the time (whether they want me to or not), but I do love them besides their qualities or their misconceptions. I do get that my dad/mom want to make this whole rift in the family go away but that's not going to happen any time soon because she won't even admit that she did anything wrong. I am far from perfect but I will tell you when I'm wrong. I was wrong to expect better from my parents but I always try to look for the good in everyone.
Why don't I do that with my sister you ask? *HA HA* There's no good in my sister! She's pure evil and not even in a good way evil (I can be evil too but I'm not vindictive there's a huge difference there). I give people plenty of second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and even seventh chances (others even got tweny chances) but there comes a time when you realize you don't deserve to be walked on. You don't deserve toxic evil people in your life, you deserve far better than you've got (not talking about Tony, talking about people treating me in certain ways) from that person. That's why I no longer want to talk, hear, see my sister because I'm sick of her fakeness, lies and disregard for anyone but herself. I'm a better person than she'll ever be and I know that. She knows it too, that's why she hates me.
Please Tony, don't worry about me. I needed to get this out. I have to realize that my parents think my sister is some god. That in THEIR eyes she'll better than I ever will be. And you what? That's fine with me, just as long as I don't have to be compared to her. I will always be different, I will be an individual when she is not. She has no individual or character, she just does whatever she's told like a robot. Jason tells her this or that, and she follows like a “stepford wife” as if she has to becasue he says so, not because she wants to.But acts like she's the one with the wipe when clearly it's the other way around.
I hope one day that my parents will see for the great person that I am. That I am this good girl that they should be proud of, until that day I shall be off doing my own thing and living MY life not the life they want for me.
Father's day, I hope to have a civil conversation with my parents. I hope that this time that they will learn, that I need to do this for me and whether they like it or care for my actions they NEED to respect it or they'll lose a daughter over this because I am sick to death to deal with it any further. I want to celebrate father's day with my dad because I love him and I know that deep down somewhere he does love me, even if he doesn't show it much. He's the only one that does, my mom well she's all about my sister. She doesn't show me much that she even cares, but on occasions.
However, my parents did end the conversation with “we love you & even if we don't call you or see you, we're always thinking about you” send Tony our love too. As if ending the conversation with that is really going to change what he said but I do love him even with all his faults. I'm sure that deep down (at least I hope so) they do love me that way too.
Thanks all for listening, this was very helpful for me.