I will never be perfect

Published April 11, 2008 by sadistickitten

There's a lot on my mind right now, instead of the project thing I need your help.  What I want to know is this  should I call my parents about the letter?  I mean should I mention it or should I wait till they call me?  Part of me wants to call really badly to say hey look, I know she wrote the letter but that doesn't change what she did.  I can lie too about things but I am not going to.  I was thinking about writing a letter to my parents here's what I plan on writing:

Dear Mom & Dad,

I know that things haven't been easy with this whole mess and I'm sorry for that I really am.  I wish that it didn't happen with her that way but I am not the one that gave the horrible gift she did.  She had a choice and she didn't have to do it either.  She could've just decided to give me what she always does crap.  But she decided to do this and you know she did this on purpose so that way she didn't have to exchange with us.

The letter changes nothing.  I'm not crazy nor do I need her to tell me that I did something to the earrings to cause them to change.  Because it wasn't something I did it's  something that she did.  We went to the jewelers and they looked at them telling them that they are indeed not new.  They look very good at them in the lights that they have & know what is new that's their job to notice these things.  I mean when you bring a ring to get it cleaned it's all scratched and stuff they KNOW by looking at it that it's not new. 

I understand that you want malinda & I to get along.  I don't want to fight with her and time after time I've tried VERY hard to get along with her but it takes two people to do that and she doesn't want to cooperate.  You know how Pauline is and everyone else in that stupid family, Malinda was never perfect before and she often lied to you guys.  Far more than you know but that's not the point here.

The point here is that the letter that she wrote doesn't change anything.  It only proves that can lie not just to you guys face but to a letter as well.  What I'm trying to say here is that I don't want to lose you guys over this.  I hate that you guys are in the middle of this whole thing but please respect my decision to not talk to her.  Further asking me or telling me to talk to her will only cause a rift between us.  Please respect my decision, you don't have to like that I don't care to deal with her or talk to her right now but I NEED to do this to move on.  

The more you bring her up, mention her,  etc. doesn't help me get over it.  Just further makes not want to deal with her anymore.  Writing a letter, calling her, will not solve the problem that her and I have.  I don't think that will ever be solved because she is not willing to admit that what she did was wrong nor is she willing to admit that she did it at all.  

I would still like to get together with you guys and talk etc. but I can't do that if you two keep making me feel like everything's my fault when it's not.  You know as well as I do that malinda & I have NEVER seen eye to eye on anything.  She's always been pretty mean to me, not letting me do stuff and when I had friends she was jealous and had to become their friends too.  Look at how she treats christine.  She treats her like she's something to control and christine's too stupid not realize that my sister is using her.  That's what she does with everyone.

I get that you want to see Elizabeth and I'm sure that you guys will get together with her often.  What I don't appreciate or get is that you guys treat me like I'm nothing.  As if I don't matter to you guys because I am not ever planning on having kids.  You want me around so I can do favors for you, this or that.  One day, the time will come when I'll be sick of being treated as a slave to you guys. You treat malinda like gold but when it comes to me I'm treated like garbage.  I do a LOT of things for you guys all the time but yet you act like I'm supposed to do it or that I'm still living there and it's “duty” to do so.

I don't know what else to do about the whole situation but talking or writing, etc. won't solve anything.  How do I know?  Because I know my sister.  She's lied to you guys for her WHOLE life what makes you think that she'll stop now?  I know you guys aren't stupid, look at the earrings yourself you will know that they're not new.  And there's NOTHING that I did to them.  That comes from years of wearing it or using them, NOT from anything else.  You know as well as I do.  

I don't deserve to be second best to malinda, I deserve the same respect as my sister does.  Just because she was not a biological failure and had a kid I get treated like crap?  I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way.  I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter that you wanted, I'm sorry that you're disappointed in me but I am the person that I have always wanted to be.  Instead of treating me like the enemy, start treating me like a daughter.  Someone who's worthy of your love just as much as your other daughter is.

I had thoughts of calling you this weekend after you got the letter but I know you'd ignore my call and not pick up.  You'd make excuses to get off the phone with me if you do pick up.  I'm just not as good of a daughter as Malind because 1) I don't want kids 2) not catholic & I'll never be (actually I never have been, never believed in it) 3) am a good person 4) don't use people or manipulate them because they've given you the first granddchild 5) can lie to your face (I was never good at it and you always caught me but that's because I'm not andy or malinda, you know it that she's totally like andy but you wont' admit it to yourself).  I'm not asking you to take sides, I'm not her. I'm just asking you to love me and still treat me as if I matter to you.

I hope that you wake up one day and realize who truly cares about you & who's just using you for things.  When that day comes, I'm afraid by then you won't be talking or dealing with anymore as I'm the “enemy” to you now that my sister has started war.  I love you both and I hope that you will see things from my point of view.

Please call when you have discussed this letter further.  I love you both.

Jennifer & Tony Martino



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