So I just wrote up most of an entry (I wasn't totally done yet stupid LJ!) but I got an error message and now it's all gone. Here's the long awaited update about the reunion and more.
Why do I say this? From the MINUTE that I walked into the place, I wished that I hadn't. I wanted to ask for my money back saying that I was sick or something then leave but I knew that I wouldn't be able to pull that off.
What happened when I walked in set me up for the whole night. I first walked in and saw Meghaen. She looked pretty much the same just as bitchy and just as republican as ever. She's now married to another class member who's just as stuck up as she is. God I hated it how she never even smiled or looked my way with any respect wtf? was up her ass?
I went into this feeling that maybe everyone had set apart their differences and they'd stop being in their “cliches” and just you know talk to everyone but that wasn't the case. Because when “Susie” saw me she immediately sized me up and then she continued to go on her way. I even smiled at her expecting maybe she'd smile back but of course no.
Granite, the last time I talked to her something bad happened to someone in her familly & we hadn't been friends for I don't know about 20 years before then because I was deemed “uncool” which she had to tell everyone at my school that. Yeah she's a winner huh?
Anyways, I couldn't believe how she treated me. She totally didn't smile and she kept looking at me as if she was thinking these things:
1. a bug that needed to squash
2. a whore (remember I have big boobs now, much bigger than I had back then)
3. she pited me
Which it was, I was not liking it. I was going to just go over and say hello but the bitch kept looking at me all night long up and down. I wanted to go over to her and “take a fuckin' picture bitch, it'll last longer” or something along those terms but well I felt like I did back in high school and I hated it.
From the second that I we parked, I felt like I shouldn't have come. I felt like I should've just said no on it like Marne and just not gone. Just stayed home and let them wonder what I looked like. But I figured why not right? It's not like they'll act like they did in high school right?
Well I was wrong. Not everyone granite, but a lot of people were still in the cliches that they were in back then. It was soo frustrating because I immediately felt like I did in high school, insecure and as if I didn't matter again. So my confidence level was at the lowest it's ever been that night and I hated it. I couldn't stand myself and I was out of my element.
After awhile, (and an alcoholic drink) I felt much better but still not 100%. I wanted to be anywhere but there and anyone but me. Tony being the outgoing one out of the both of us was trying to get me talk to others or do not be so shy like I was acting. It felt like I had never left high school and I was that loser girl that everyone laughed and made fun. I hated it.
That's why I'll NEVER go to another reunion again. I regretted going to this one and I will not be attending another every in my life time. Why you ask? (besides what else I said) Well normally when you pay that much, they give something to bring home. Like a glass, candle etc. hell at anniversary parties they give you something but here NOTHING. That's right NOTHING. They didn't have anything saying “ORHS 10 Yrs Reunion” which I thought was rather lame. I mean even our prom we got something to remember it by. But whatever, I don't care I'll never go again.
I'm not trying to be mean to the girl that put it on at all, but I just felt like this is it? You're kidding me right?! A meal that I could've paid better money for at Williams', The Old Mill and I spent it here?! For what we recieved in return doesn't make sense to me. It really doesn't. I wanted to ask for a refund I really did.
Do you know how much HK items I could've gotten? I could've bought a bunch of things for family, friends, etc but instead I'm there wasting my time and money on something that I felt was half assed. If you don't think so about the event and you were there, fine that's your opinion but this is mine.
And I might be harsher because it felt like nothing had changed. People hadn't changed at all. I was sickened by it. Some people were really sweet and nice like always but others I was like wtf? Oh my god, are you serious? Are you this stuck up that you can't talk to others?
Whether or not it was because they didn't recognize me, that's just bullshit. They could've just walked up to me and said “hey I don't remember whom you are but hi.” Then started talking to me to at least find out whom I am instead of snubbing me all night long.
Maybe it was the red streaks in my hair that kept others away from me, no clue. But still, I don't look horrible with them in. I look hot at least I think so, I don't care if others were thinking 'she must be punk' even if I didn't dress it that night. I was overly critical of what I was wearing, how my makeup was, etc. But really why was I?
I don't have to answer to them. I mean so what I'm different and I've got bigger boobs! Doesn't mean they're implants which I'm sure that's what others were saying. And yes, I did have that tummy tucker thing but (it didn't work by the way) still I had some chubby on my tummy who cares? Do they know that I was anorexic back then? Did they ever ask me that? NO!
No one ever asked me why I was so skinny back in high school, why I looked like I was going to fall over at any moment. They just went on with their lives like they didn't graduate as if 10 years hadn't gone by. I was putting too much expectations on what others would say or do but now I'm thinking why?
Why did I bother to show up? Why did I bother getting all dressed up? Buying my outfit for this event? I don't know because MOST (not all, you know whom I'm talking about) of these people didn't deserve seeing me there. They didn't deserve me being around them.
The whole night while feeling really low and depressed, all those emotions coming back at once I didn't feel like others wanted to be around at all; I felt PITY! That's right, I felt like they felt bad for me & pitied me. They loved Tony but hated me. What is it about me that makes other feel that way? Do I look so horrible still?
Do I look so much like a bitch that they couldn't talk to me? I didn't think that I did after all I was nervous and stuff but I didn't act all bitchy, I was just shy. But yes some people take it as being shy and all. I don't mean to say that everyone I talked to that night was thinking that I was a bitch because that's not what I'm saying at all. There were some people that really did try to get me to get out of shy and I thank them for that but still I didn't like being there & I soo wasn't in my element.
Tony likes to say that I'm always nervous but that's not true. I'm normally pretty outgoing and talkative other than when I'm sick and I feel like shit. Which was how I was feeling last night. I'm still sick tonight as well. Last night, I was always having problems with my eyes and yes I'm getting them checked out tomorrow (it's after 12am here) to find out what's wrong so that's what was bothering me too.
But all and all, I decided that I don't mind going to Tony's reunions but I'll never go to another one of mine. I'll keep in contact with some people through facebook and myspace instead of going to reunions. I think they're just a waste of my time & money.
I don't like the person that I was when I was there. I don't recognize that girl from whom I am now and she came back last night. It was so bad that when I went to the bathroom I couldn't look myself in the mirror as if that too would lie to me and make me feel worse about myself.
I know that I'm not perfectly skinny like a bunch of the girls that were there but I'm not big either. Yes I gained weight since high school, I was a fuckin' anorexic low self esteem loser back then what else was I supposed to do? Come back being even more anorexic and practically dieing? No, I don't want to be like that at all. So yeah the reunion sucked but at least I learned my lesson. I will never go to another one EVER and if I EVER think about going, someone show me this entry and tell me “don't do that to yourself again”
Why didn't I listen to Marne? WHY OH WHY OH WHY?
The minute that we stepped inside, I started feeling better again. However, that night it took me awhile to fall asleep. I just couldn't seem to get myself to fall asleep totally. It took me a long time before I could fall asleep because I kept thinking about what Meg did and how she treated me. I thought that people would've grown up but they hadn't. I'm really disappointed in my class. I really felt like no one wanted me there & that me being there was ruining them from having fun. Even Shannon didn't spend much time with me at all, she bothered with others. I nearly cried when Shannon recognized me and came over to talk to me then give me a hug. I was like wow someone does see and want to talk to me but that was short lived.
Point being, I feel like an idiot for thinking that people had changed when clearly they hadn't. I don't see the point of ever making myself feel that humilitated again unless I decide to go on tv to do something stupid. Tony didn't know that I was feeling that low or that I almost cried or that I wished that I was anywhere but there. He knew that I didn't feel comfortable and all but he had no clue how I exactly felt. Others came over to talk to other people that were near me but not to me really. They had to say hi to me because I was standing there DUH!
Plus who needs those bitches and assholes? I've got you guys to keep me happy and make me realize that there are people out there that like me for whom I am, wacky or talkative etc. You like or why else would you add me right? ^_^ kind of stupid don't you think? So just because those losers didn't give me a chance to get to know the wonderfully awesome person that I am, doesn't mean that I have to give up on being myself. I don't have to be whomever they want me to be. I don't need them.
Today was too excited at all. I slept in till almost 12pm because I was exhausted from all the festivites and not getting enough sleep the night before from worrying then freaking out. Tony & I basically chilled here not doing too much at all. I got the mail and there wasn't that much but a letter from Aurora which I'll do my best to write back to her. I am still sick at the moment and my period just started tonight so I am dealing with that stuff 😦 right now. Icky.
The motherboard is coming tomorrow (monday) and I'm getting my eyes checked out because they've been bothering me for awhile. Not sure if it's the sinus pressure or what but they're really blurry tonight and was having problems during the reunion as well. Tomorrow we're just going to enjoy our time together and maybe even finally watch a movie that we've got. Take care all, I'm beyond exhausted. Oh and we got grocery shopping done right before they closed. Talk about cutting it close *LOL* And our CVS is now open 24 hours! WHOA! They're competiting with Brooks next door I guess.
Good night all!