Confused–not sure what's going on…..

Published February 29, 2004 by sadistickitten

Ok so I’ve been talking w/Beth now for a little while now about a few days right, so I haven’t gotten an email back but we’ve talked on aim which is cool w/me. But the thing I guess why I’m writing this entry is that I was looking at her journal on here w/who her friends are & I noticed something…I’m not one of them. I know that shouldn’t make much of a difference to me but it does. Is there something wrong w/me that I need to have her on my list that I need to have her approvale of me being your journal friend? I guess so because why else would I be writing this entry?
I do realize that Beth’s been through alot since we’ve talked & that I’ve changed a huge amount since the last time we talked(the last time we talked it was her telling me–actually through a journal entry that I indeed am no longer her friend, it was really mean & all)I never even knew that would be the last time! We barely talked in the first place so it’s not like I was missing out on anything too much. But I guess the fact that I always wanted to talk to her more & be well…more of her friend has bothered me all this time. I guess since I’m not up on her list it feels like that’s a sign that I don’t belong her friend at all. Ok maybe I’m just putting too much thought into this, I know but it’s just that Beth’s always been a special person to me & that she’s so sweet & nice, she deserves great things to happen to her & I know that she feels the same way about me.
That’s not the point, the point I guess that I’m trying to make her is that I thought that she wanted me to be a part of her life again. But maybe I’m just jumping to conclusions because I just joined this journal like a few days ago so she hasn’t had the change to be able to put me into it yet. I hurts because I’m sure she’s read her LJ friends entries but I dont think that she cares to read mine, even though she told me that she’d read mine later on that nite but I dont think that she will or has or ever will. Ok maybe I’m just acting ridiculous & jumping to conclusion like I always like to do but that’s just how I am so I can’t help it. But I feel if someone else was in my shoes then they’d feel the same way as I do. Although maybe not, guess it’s hard to tell. OK well I’m going to go now & just relax because maybe she feels like I’m taking over her terf because she was here first & I’m moving in our territory I’m not sure I’d have to ask her. OH well it doesn’t matter I guess. Maybe I’ll find out these and other answers in the next few days only time will tell.Oh & yah, I forgot it’s not like Beth has magically change over nite! It’ll take awhile to get to be a better friend because she hasn’t been a very good one even when we were best friend for yrs. I’m not saying that she doesn’t know how ta all, just saying that she needs some work on that. I hate to bring it up but when I talked her mom a few times on the phone when I’ve called to say hello and see how she was doing because she hadn’t emailed me or even called/written me a letter in so long. Her mom told me that she’s been getting the messages but she was just worried about her & wondering what was going on with her. That was the last time I called Beth’s house before she told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
Another reason I’m freaking out is because I feel like mabye this is a sign that I shouldn’t be friends w/her anymore or ever again. That I should’ve just let our paths divide & stayed that way because then I wouldn’t get hurt. That I should’ve just stayed on my Jenn path w/just me & myself w/no friends at all! No one who really cares that I’m alive. I also kind of see a pattern going on here. Last time, she didn’t email me back, she didn’t comment in my journal, she didn’t care to much to bother. I’m not saying that she doesn’t have her right to do whatever the hell it is she wants to do, she can–she’s a person I dont see why she can’t be herself. wouldn’t want her to be someone else ya know? It’s just that I guess I’m pushing her too hard to be the kind of friend that I want her to be & that’s just selfish. I need to let Beth be herself & who she is. Not always making her be someone that I see her out to be. Not saying that I don’t like her the way that she is, not at all. I like how she is, she’s a great person to be around & we used to have so much fun together LOL! man, those were good times…very good times! I guess that I need to come to a realization that I can’t run the way our friendship is going to be. That I need to let Beth be Beth & let it go. Plus I think that it’s wrong of me to expect Beth just to go back to the way we were before the whole “situation” happened. It can’t when you think about it, I’m a totally new & different person than the girl she used to know, I’ve got more cuts and scraps(not just from princess whiskas), I’ve been molded & shaped into a new women mentally. Alot of things have changed in my life & friendship have to change w/it, well any relationship really. So I see now that I’ve been pushing her too much & I promise from this moment on, 1:40 that I will not push her around, I will let her be & when she’s ready to put me on her list, email me back(& forth way)& just let her be mainly. I’m sure there is plenty of stuff that she needs to work out on her own, that she needs to work though before she get back to being my total friend. And I’m sorry to you Beth if I’ve been too much a pain w/things it’s just that I’m excited about having her back in my life & want to get back to where we left off. It feels like we have w/our talks which makes me so very happy! I used to have so much anger for her & I was so ticked off about what she did, how she did & everything. But water under the bridge now! I forgave her because I needed to move on, I told her that I was sorry and I didnt’ mean to bother her every time she came online as well as I’m sure in a way I pushed her. But one thing that I never ever did was feel bad for her. I was sad that she didn’t/wasnt sure about certain things but I never felt bad for her to be her friend. Just felt bad for the situation she was in w/her family or what not. But never felt bad to be her friend well I’m going to take a shower now, I feel nasty!

 

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